this IS my fighting weight

You’ve heard the term “fighting weight”? It applies to fighters getting to the weight class they want to fight in. Most often that means cutting weight. I feel like I’m currently at my fighting weight. Not because that number puts me in an optimal weight class, but because I’m constantly fighting to be okay with it. It’s hard enough to battle the self-esteem demons in my own head, much less everyone else’s opinions about my weight. Opinions that make the best laid plans and strongest efforts to get body positive a challenge, at best!

I started out writing here about my strong opinions on body shaming and then went on to talk about my self-diagnosed addiction to dieting. I told you that I was going to share my plan to get over it and get body positive.  And then…. NOTHING! The feedback was all very positive, so why not keep it moving forward? Well, it was confusing and raw and frustrating for me to try to articulate everything (and there’s a bunch) that was swimming around in my head! And even for a open and transparent girl like me, it was almost too much! 

But I’m back, and with a kind of new game plan. I’ve got to be honest. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks in the body positive game. It’s kind of knocked me back a step or two. Not only have I been doubting what little body confidence I may have gained over the last couple of years, but it’s caused me to question how I think I can  actually help ANYONE!

fighting to love and accept THIS body!

I started dimples on my WHAT? in part, to give me an outlet for all my “opinions” and feels. But, for this “wordy” girl to try to organize these feeling into only a few words is tough and might I add confusing. I want it to make sense and sometimes I just can’t . Sometimes I’ve just got to spill it.  So instead of trying to map out the order of my body positive posts, I’m going to use these pages to journal the ups and downs of coming to terms with my growing hip measurement, thinning lips and saggy boobs.

the real, real

(just so you know, I’m going to talk about a lady part. if this offends you, look away)

Today in particular, was what I call a “suck hole” day. Number one: It just sucked. Period! Number two: It was one of those days that sucked out some of the peacemaking progress I’ve made in body acceptance and loving my body at my current size.

I had an follow-up appointment for a previous biopsy I had done on some spots on thee ol’ nether region, the interior continent. Yes, I’ll just say it, “a vulva check” was the official term used. All is well, but a few words to the wise. 1.) Don’t use a tanning bed naked.  2.) Maybe reconsider that full pubis laser hair removal – EVERYTHING grows old and may need the esthetic camouflage eventually! Maybe TMI, but I know I was needing a little comic relief right about now.  Anyway………………………………………………………………………..

This was a doctor who I had been away from for a few years but who had done my hysterectomy back in 2012. I had returned to her for the biopsies because she knew the terrain down there, if you know what I mean.  I had just started to catch her up on my journey into bio-identical hormone replacement by telling her what led me to BHRT in the first place when she saw her opportunity.  I had a non-existent level of progesterone and a dominance of estrogen. “Do you want to know why you were estrogen dominant?” Ugh! I took the bait. I didn’t see it coming! “You’re overweight.” (insert her pitying smile)This is NOT new information to me but….WHAT?!?! I wasn’t bemoaning my weight or asking advice about it. This doctor hasn’t seen me in years and doesn’t know or didn’t ask what my weight was in the beginning of that journey, how long ago that was or what my hormones have done since. (FYI my estrogen later took a dive as well and still gaining)

I started to argue the catch 22 of hormone imbalance and the inability to lose weight but soon shut it down just as I shut down inside while she went on and on about how I just needed to eat less to lose weight. “You can gain weight even eating too much broccoli and carrots.” And did I want to see the dietician? NO!  Instead, I put my pants back on, held my head high and walked out of there with a lead weight in my stomach, tears behind eyes and thoughts both angry and confused. It went a little something like this:

• Why is my weight a bigger problem for others than it is for me?
• Now I remember why I stopped going to her.
• Why is it when doctors have no answers, it’s always your weight or diet?
• Bring on the Dr. Pepper and chocolate covered cherries.
• Maybe I should go on a diet.
• No, you’ll just feel like a failure when it doesn’t work.
• Maybe this time it will.
• Diets don’t work.
• Been there, done that.
• You got fat while you were being healthy.
• I could have a ph.D. in diet knowledge.
• You look like a pathetic and insane liar when you tell  people you have actually followed the diet to the letter and didn’t loose weight!
•  I wasn’t even talking about my weight!
• How can I be body positive when others see my size as a negative?
• You’re a big failure.
• You’re not even that fat.
• I can’t handle failure.
• Stick to your plan Paula.
• Why would anyone want to read a blog about this?

My thought process can be dizzying, but at the end of the day I came around to this thought.

“Is fat, the worst thing I can be?”

It isn’t! If I leave this earth tomorrow, I doubt anyone will say, “She was fat”. I would hope they will say, “She was so kind, loving and funny.” “She was generous and welcoming.” “She was a great mom.”  “Oh, what a good friend she was.” THESE are the forever things and I need to keep that perspective.

I want to impart to you that even though confidence may seem to come through my photos that you see on these pages or social media, there’s a woman who is genuine and weak. A woman who sometimes struggles to hold it together and be body positive. And a woman who would like to use her story to let you know you’re not alone and share in your struggle too. It’s a fight, but together we’re stronger.

together we’re stronger

Paula